It’s ridiculously late & I am still awake. I made the fatal mistake of drinking a very strong mug of extra caffeinated (my request at the time) Chai tea this afternoon after 5 days off caffeine. Is my system this sensitive ? Christ. Delicate feels more appropriate. Eventually, my eyes will close, but in the interim… I write.
And I realize this has always been my life line. A side bar for everything. It has always soothed me, calmed me, quieted me. It has been my solace and my company. A best friend when all else is gone. I take it everywhere and anywhere. And more than anyone or anything else in my entire life, it has been available to me and for me- always. Every single time. No debating. No coaxing. No hoping or even waiting. Just the one facet of life that has always remained by my side, no matter what.
I have poems from when I was nine years old right into teenage years. I even wrote a song at 12. There’s only one person in the entire world who knows all the lyrics other than me. Believe me, the melody & lyrics were easy. It’s the fact that we could carry this so far into adulthood and remember it, that’s more shocking. The mind is still intact. That is refreshing and a relief.
Writing has carried me throughout life. Words were the one place I could run to when I needed a reprieve, a rest or a place to hide and feel safe. They helped me clarify an issue, decipher a problem. They allowed me to bare my soul and be as raw as I needed to be without defense, because I knew I needed none. They never talked back, were never unkind, insensitive or disappointing.
Without reservation, I can honestly say that there were times writing has saved my mind & perhaps on some occasions, my life. They gave me a voice when I thought I had none. They helped give me the voice for other people as well. I’ve been asked to write bio’s, response’s to important letters, dating profiles, even a poem and love note for them to give away.
Language. I love words. I love using them and playing with them. They seem to love me back because most often, I get a very positive response to them. I love moving them across the page. I trust my writing. My words. The more I write, the more I write.
This has given me the outlet to be my total flawed self, perfect in my imperfections. It has been & remains to be that one constant in my life. It has been the longest love affair I have ever had where I still craved more. The longest affair I have never tired of. The longest love affair I have yet to give up. And it is the one love affair, no matter who else walks through my life, I ever will.