My niece came to spend the day with me today. As darkness followed the light into sea, we came back to my house and talked. She asked me to take a look at her on-line dating profile. She’s the one who encouraged me to get on-line, years ago after my divorce. It’s no secret to my family or friends that I love to write, that it comes easy to me and I’ve also been paid to do it. So, I took a look and saw lots of similar, sappy phrases and cliches, that most people write. It’s hard to write about yourself.
She has a great sense of humor. She’s smart and quick witted. Humor flows through her as words on a page through me. So, as we got into it, she randomly threw ideas and images out. We banked one joke after another. We laughed so hard, we had tears spilling from our eyes. At one point, she looked at me and said, “And I don’t want to see this in tomorrow’s blog post.” Sorry.
First of all, no one knows who you are, because with the exception of my inner circle, I have friend bloggers all over the world. And I can keep my mouth shut about other people. Except in this case, when you’re undiscoverable. Besides, you’re really only the front for the story. I’ll never tell anyone your name. I promise. And if the man of your dreams ever reads this, I’ll lie for you. I’ll deny it was you. I’ll say this was fictitious, based on a friend’s experience. That’s my loyalty, so not to worry.
I looked over the entire profile. It’s easy to be objective when it isn’t you. I told her to delete some things, add others, or answer one of the more in depth questions differently. “Don’t limit yourself,” I said. “Don’t say you won’t re-locate. He could live 45 minutes and be in the next state. And you should delete this picture. You look tired. Delete the one with the other girl in it. You want to be the focus. Eyes don’t need to wander unless they’re moving off your page. And this one, should be your main photo.”
Then we got to the “About Me” part of the profile. As most do, it started with a disclaimer of, “it’s not easy to write about myself….” Well, we know that. Delete. “I am loyal, dedicated and trustworthy.” I looked at her. “What are you, a dog ? Those are adjectives that describe a dog, not a date.” I told her we have to make this stand out, come alive, separate it from the rest.
“Okay, how about a man with a tool belt.” She giggled. I laughed. “That’s great,” I said. “Funny. We can work with that. Everyone appreciates a good sense of humor.” So it became the new heading of her new profile. I added my bit and it read, “Wanted. A man with a tool belt. I’m a home-owner and sometimes it gets challenging moving heavy appliances across the floor by myself.” And she said, “They’re going to think I’m a heavyweight.” No, they’re going to think you’re very funny. It’s a joke. If he doesn’t get it, hang up on him. He has no sense of humor, so you’d never make it.
For the next few hours we went back and forth, composing a comedic sketch between a few practical and serious answers. We couldn’t stop laughing. We were both on a roll. And a few hours after she left and her main photo and essay were approved, some guy popped up on the screen, while I was putting the finishes on. He wanted to chat by i.m. She wasn’t there and not wanting her to miss out on a potential opportunity, I hit the ok button to accept and connect.
He’s from NYC. And he was cute. It’s so funny how some people begin their introduction. He writes Hey. Then sends it. Then sends another hey. What was up with him ? So I wrote, Yes, I’m here. Did you want to say something or discuss the diet of horses ? I told him it was an early night for me and to send a note and we can catch up another time.
I told my niece the good news. She went on to check him out. He’s 5’7, my height, too short. Oh and he doesn’t like animals. Delete. But look at the guy that wrote me from nearby. “Wow,” I said. He’s really good looking. If you don’t like him, I’ll go out with him.”
You know, they ask some crazy questions on some of these sites. What do you do for fun ? Okay not so crazy, but she hit a home-run on this one. “Eat medical marijuana brownies,” so as I was writing this into the profile, she said, “You can’t put that in. “Sure, I can, with a disclaimer that you have no medical issues.” Then she added, “Okay and how about I like to clean naked.” I put that in too.
When they asked what she did on a typical Friday and Saturday night, I wrote, “on alternate weeks, I clean and with the shades up. But only on Friday nights.” We had a blast re-writing this and it has been shown, that time after time (great Cyndi Lauper song) the profiles I’ve helped people with and re-written, have increased hits and messages.
So, if you know anyone in need of that service, send me a note. And to my lovely and loving niece, I had to divulge some of this material. You can understand. It was just too good to pass up. And if my helping you to re-do your profile, ends with you meeting “The one,” and you have kids, I think one of them should definitely bear my name. LOL (Get ready, because all those abbreviations are headed your way.)